Sirius Black, Lord of Harrenhal
by gridlocker
Summary: The veil is a one way door to hell but sometimes, the Grim Reaper might give you a second chance. At least to those who are remarkable in a doggedly grim sort of way. Sirius Black happens to be a dog with a grim outlook on life. So, he gets a second chance. He gets to live as the bastard of Winterfell who graduates to become the Lord of Harrenhal.
1. The beginning

Sirius Black, Lord of Harrenhal

The veil is a one way door to hell but sometimes, the Grim Reaper might give you a second chance. At least to those who are remarkable in a doggedly grim sort of way. Sirius Black happens to be dog with a grim outlook. So, he gets a second chance. He gets to live as the bastard of Winterfell who graduates to become the Lord of Harrenhal.

 **Through the Veil**

My name is Sirius Black, marauder extraordinaire, uncrowned playboy of Hogwarts, heart breaker of the year and the only man ever to escape azkaban by himself. As I fell through the Veil of Death, because of my own stupidity I should add, I could not help but reflect on the life I lead.

My life had started well, very well. Sure the Black family was a bit nuts, but again we are all a bit nuts, are we not? I fucked my way through Hogwarts. Not as in fucked my professors for good grades but more like bribed them for grades while fucked any and every willing bitch I could find. No wonder my animagus form is that of a dog – a giant fucking dog which looked more like a Grim. The point is, I was the DOG of Hogwarts.

But, where am I going with this? Hogwarts was somehow the end of my good fortunes. The woman I loved but never got beyond "friends" stage (she hated my womanizing ways) married my best friend (despite my best attempt to break them apart. Pouring paint over Lily and blaming James did not break their romance. Impossible I say. If the situation has been different – had I poured (or been blamed of it) a bucket of paint over my current girl, she would have bitch-slapped me and be gone. Lily and James were just too much in love. Then, they had a kid who was prophecized to defeat the dark lord. Big problem. I became the kid's godfather, swore to protect him and then failed. Just like I failed to protect the woman I loved.

The end result? Lily and James dead courtesy of that sniveling rat and dear old Moldy-Voldy. Little Harry shipped off to Druzkaban, horrible excuse of family ever. And yours truly took a 14 year vacation in Azkaban.

Azkaban turned me into a dog. Completely. Well, more like a grim. An angry, thoughtless grim whose only thought was to kill the rat and moldy-voldy. Then I escaped. The kid had grown up well despite Druzkaban. Then Moldy-Voldy came back with a vengeance.

Finally, I get thrown into the veil of death. How? Well the thing is I was fighting my cousin Bella. Actually, let me rewind a bit.

The bastard Voldemort wanted the shit-for-brains prophecy and for that, he lured my godson into Department of Mysteries where a bunch of death eaters were waiting for him. Like the valiant Godfather that I am, myself and a few other went to rescue my hot-headed, foolish dogson. Long story short, I engaged my cousin Bella in a duel.

Me and Bella, we had a history all the way back to childhood. She was nuts, I was a bit crazy. When I declared myself as _not-_ pureblood supremicst at ripe old age of 11, a 15 year old Bella decided to tan my hide. Unfortunately, she did not take into account that even at the age of 11, I was already a hellraiser and somewhat of a basketcase.

All of us Blacks lived in Black Manor during those days and one of the features was that using magic, offensive magic in particular was prohibited by the wards. So, she decided to physically beat me up. By then, I had spent a whole year in Hogwarts and gotten some valuable experience when it came to fist fights. Now, that does not mean I won the fight against her. Not by long shot. It just meant that I did not go down easy. I gave her a plenty of bruises, black eyes but eventually she had me down and well, I came to hate leather belts that day. BUT, I did something I shall never ever, ever, ever regret. I kissed her full, right on her lips. Complete with tongue and everything. I had overheard her talking with Andy about not having kissed anyone and as such, I stole her first kiss. High five! Her first kiss, my first kiss!

Ever since, the bitch hated me. And she continued to remind me every summer. The bitch managed to curcumvent the whole "You can't curse each other" rule of Black manor by convincing grand pa Arctrus that I need to be trained in offensive magics. Let me tell you, Bellatrix is unbeatable with a wand. However, despite all her torturous training session, I never did regret stealing her first kiss. The unfortunate truth is that, it was the best damn kiss I ever had.

Of course, lets not forget my get even attempt for those training session. I stunned her husband Rabastan Lestrange on their wedding night and well, a bit of polyjuice meant I had the time of my life. She had the time of her life too – there is a reason why all women love me so much!. Thing is, I ended up staying with her until the morning and she found out it was me who fucked her, not her husband. Here is the kicker: Magical marriage should be consummated that very night or else, the bond won't held. She knew that, I knew that and well, that was the very exactly why I did what I did.

She was going to kill me that very morning. Oh she was, except for the fact that I had hidden her wand. I gloated for a bit and said, _"Bella, lets keep this our dirty little secret, eh? If your husband were to every find out, your marriage be gone like dust in the wind. You would be Bellatrix-the-cheater who got divorced in her first night. Kind of like a honourless mudblood."_

 _"You bastard you ruined me!", she shrieked like a harpy._

 _"Hey, don't blame me. You started this when you were beating me black 'n blue as kids. And when you joined the death-eaters. And when you had our parents disinherit Andy. Tit-for-tat bitch."_

 _Bella was a fiery volcano but could maintain a calm head when needed, "Rabastan knows he didn't consummated our marriage. This little secret you say, is not going to last. After that happens, I am going to kill you, you filthy bastard."_

 _"Are you a witch or not Bella? Memory charm him or imperio him or use that slave ritual on him."_

 _"Slave ritual?"_

 _"You wanted to make some muggles your slave didn't you? You always talked about how a proper witch should have a bunch of muggle slaves? Use that ritual on your husband!"_

 _"Bastard – that ritual should not be used on a wizard. If I use that ritual on a wizard, I can never make a muggle my slave."_

 _"Exactly. I don't want any muggle to be your slave. See? I am protecting the muggles by committing the worst crime of all."_

 _"What crime?"_

 _"INCEST BITCH"_

 _"Very funny Sirius. I suppose you are a Black after all."_

 _"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"_

 _"You are just as insane as all of us Black" and she cackled._

 _"Bitch"_

 _"DOG"_

 _"Bitch"_

 _"DOG"_

 _"Let's just get started", I was forced to cut our back 'n forth short. I was supposed to watch Harry today. Lily and James were plannng a romantic outing. My best friend is taking the woman I love out for a good time while I bicker with my hated cousin, who I had just fucked. Fuck my life._

 _Making a face, she remarked, "So, if I am to do this ritual, I will make both Rabastan and his brother Rodolphus my slave."_

 _"Both of them? Aren't you shooting a bit too high Bella?"_

 _"Shut up. Rody will know something is different with Rabastan just like that. And that particular ritual, you can do it only once every 7 years BUT, there is not limit on how many slaves you can tie to yourself when you do it."_

 _"Humm – fair enough. We will do it right now."_

 _"Right now? Neither of them are here you moron!"_

 _Sheepishly, I replied, "Ehh, about that. I stashed them both inside that closet. You know, tied them up, sealed their mouth shut and all that."_

 _"They listened to us fucking the whole bloody night, you bastard?"_

 _"Well Bella, had you turned out to be a shitty fuck, I was planning to leave and let you deal with the consequence." - rather evil of me but again I was never a paragon of virtue. HaHaha._

 _She just slapped me like before and stomped off to the closet. The brothers Lestranges were exactly where I had stashed them, wide awake. Angry. Afraid. Angry._

 _Bella, true to her character got angry. Very, very angry. She was smart enough to know that she could not let them go free, not after what we had done, what we had planned. She stomped towards me and tried to slap me again._

 _Instead, I caught her hands and, "Bella, Bella, what is done, is already done. Their fate is sealed. I know you don't love that pig, why the fuck are you angry? It's not like you did not enjoy fucking the whole night."_

 _"So what? You tricked me!"_

 _"I am not tricking you now", I used my low, come, lets fuck voice._

 _"Ahh, what the hell. We already fucked, lets fuck some more and then I get my slaves. But, you are going to help Cissy enslave Lucius or I will chop your bollocks off"._

 _"Fine bitch. Lets fuck."_

See, if that was the whole story, Bella might not have hated me completely. I mean she did get a pair of loyal, powerful slaves courtesy of yours truly. But, I sabotaged the ritual. More like tricked her to include another ritual in it. I made it so that she could never receive sexual gratification from another wizard ever again. Or witch for that matter.

Then, I rubbed it to her face. _"Bella, Bella – you will have to fuck muggles from now on. No wizard other than me will ever make you orgasm. If you want to feel as good as you did last night, you have to either fuck me or some muggle. And willing, un-imperioused muggles at that. Also, the more you kill, harder it will for you to orgasm. Up yours you pureblooded, death-eater maniac!"_

No wonder she hated me with a passion.

During our duel, I rubbed it in her face. "Bella, how long has it been since you had an orgasm? You don't know how to talk to a muggle, so no fucking there. Wizard can't gratify you I made sure of that. Dry season, huh?"

With a demented grin, she replied, "Ever wondered why the Longbottom's were crucioed to hell 'n back? Ever wondered why there are so many cruciatus victims? It is thanks to you Sirius. Hahahaha"

Then she threw a banisher powerful enough to break my shield AND shot me straight through the Veil of death. Ahh fuck. The DOG is dead. Grim reaper comes for everyone I guess.

I did help Cissy enslave Lucius though. Swarmy bastard is Cissa's bitch.

I was falling and falling. Cursing Bella. Cursing myself. Cursing my dick. Cursing fate. Then it happened. The grim reaper himself stopped my fall.

"Sirius Black. Degenerate extraordinaire. I have watched you. I have observed your antics."

Fearful that I would be consigned to hell for everything I had done (I did not do anything evil right? Sleeping around wasn't a crime when I last checked. Immoral maybe but who cares about that? The thing with Bella was about getting even), "And? What have you thought of me?"

"You are funny. Your antics have given us much laughter. The caretakers of hell and heaven, both have appreciated what your activities."

"They do?"

"Oh, very much so. The way you muzzled Bellatrix and her two slaves, it stopped a lot of pointless death. Do you know what that meant?"

"Less work for you my skeletal friend?", I was finally getting my humor back.

"Exactly. The more you mortals kill each other, the more we have to work. I am forced to ferry everyone around, the caretakers have to judge them. You see, we all have to do overtime. And God, he does not pay overtime. Something about duty."

"yes, yes. They make us do hard work in the name of duty but no payment. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

"Correct. And that is where you have proven so useful."

"Even if I have caused Bella to go nuts and crucio everyone to insanity?", I asked feeling guilty on behalf of the Longbottoms.

With a shrug, he replied, "If they were dead, we would have to process them. If they were alive and kicking, they might have potentially killed someone, thus increasing our work. Since they have been crucioed to insanity, well they can't really do jackshit now, can they?"

"So send me back. I can be useful there you see? My actions did not really have bad consequence for you. I have to be there for my godson. Please send me back", I pleaded despite my general nature of not pleading to anyone.

"Unfortunately, I can't do that. Your mortal body is gone."

Angry, I shouted (never said I was very smart), "THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING?"

"Quiet down you fool! I am not deaf."

"Sorry", I snarked.

"See, we have made a deal with entities from another world. We are sending you to somewhere else, there you will continue doing what you do best."

"And what about my godson? He needs me. I owe it to Lily and James."

"Of course you do. James finally found out how much you wanted to fuck lily. Both of them found about the naked photos of lily you kept hidden in your trunk"

"WHAT? THEY ARE IN MY GRINGOTTS VAULT!"

"There is no hiding from the dead Blackie. Oh, and your will reading will be soon. That means your godson will see those pictures."

"Oh merlin, what will he think of me?"

"Don't worry Black, we can work things in your favor. Agree to our deal and we shall make sure he will live happily WITHOUT hating you."

"Tell me how you will do so and we will go from there."

"Your godson has been a bit of a wimp. All he needs is a beautiful woman to bring him in shape. Your cousin, Nymphodora Tonks is perfect for him. We will set them up BEFORE the will reading. She is kinky, a bit like you and well, Lily's naked picture - let's just say she will make Harry appreciate his Mommy really good."

All I could say was, "Oh no no – my god son will become a pervert!" _A pervert just like me, I internally cursed._

Death snapped, "Better a happy pervert then a dead hero. He dies, my work lord increase a thousand fold. Damn fool is supposed to save the world."

"Deal! Deal! Set my cousin and godson. Make sure they are happy and well provided. Make sure they both live a long life. I will do anything. Everything". Truth be told, Nymphie had a crush on Remus and well, the wolf was no good for her. Stupid looser. Harry and Tonksie would suite each other. Perky Auror and Serious Hero. Hah. Serious Hero. The boy will be a proper heir for Serious Black. Pervert Black. The bastard did tell he was going to appreciate Lily with some help from Nymphie. I had already committed incest and well, my godson would be doing a bit of pseudo-incest. Good enough to be my heir in every which way possible. The second coming of Serious Black.

"You don't have to worry Sirius Black. You will enjoy this adventure. There will be danger but you will still have a bit of your magic, so it will not be much hard"

"A bit of my magic? Only a bit? I am a fucking wizard you ignorant fool. What would I be without my magic?"

"That is the deal Blackie, take it or leave it."

Why do those with power have to be such utter and complete bastard? Wait. Wait. I know the answer. It is 'cause they can. Simple as that. Time to do some grovelling.

"What exactly does _a bit of_ magic mean?"

"Think of it as you having a few magical abilities, just like a house elf or a centuar."

"A fucking centuar? The only part of centuar I envy is their horse size dick. I had to do undergo some painful ritual to get my 12". Don't compare me to those star gazing idiots."

"You are a piece of work Black, aren't you? As I said, we will give you some abilities. Namely, leglimency, capability to cast a few charms like flame freezing, strengthning and so on. BUT no transfugration, no dark arts."

"I should be at least able to use contraceptive charms. You don't want me to die of veneral disease and haunt you? Ever seen a man die of gonorrehea? Nasty disease."

"Aghh – I am the grim reaper, remember? Fine, you will be able to use those contraceptive and healing charm. LIMITED healing charms I said."

"Wandless right?"

"Yeah. Wandless. Can't have the locals kill you for the hell of it. They will try to kill you for fucking their wives anyway."

"Bah – let 'em try. Their wives will NOT let them kill me. I am Sirius Black the great."

"Oh yeah? You will probably fuck your own cousin and she will kill you. Dumb shit."

Now that was a sore topic. "Why do you have to remind be of that? Just so you know, I have absolutely no regrets about fucking Bella. None, you hear me?"

"yeah yeah, I am sending you now. You are not my problem any more. GET LOST BLACK"

And the I started to fall.

Fall.

Fall.

Until I heard a beautiful red head with a rather ugly expression (not like Lily, she never had an ugly face no matter how angry. At least towards me anyway) shout, "Bastard, what do you think you are doing sitting in the high table?"

And she threw a bowl of hot stew my way. Ahh fuck. Did I already fuck this bitch? A hell. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. I gotta run.


	2. Roll With it

See the end for notes. On with the story!

 **Winterfell**

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This has never happened to me. I mean angry former girlfriend calling me bastard because I slept with their best friend or sometimes their mother or, their sister isn't exactly new. A woman's husband out for my blood, that is also not exactly new either. Common occurrence really.

However, a woman calling me a bastard AND throwing a bowl of stew for sitting at the table is entirely new. Well, given that I am completely new in this world, it is obvious I have no fucking clue as to what is going on.

So, I ran. I ran as if the hounds of hell were after my ass. In a way, that was the case. The Grim Reaper himself had given me a job and if I failed, not only was I going to burn in hell, my godson and my cousin, they would both suffer.

As I ran, I noticed my surrounding. I was in a bloody castle. A bloody big castle. Not particularly well maintained. Nothing grand like Black Manor but it was something all right. Grim and dark enough to do Grandpa Arcturus, the Black of Black proud. There were guards posted everywhere - honest to god armor wearing, sword swinging guards.

Apparently the reaper had dumped me into a medieval castle and the woman who yelled at me was most likely the head bitch in charge. _I am truly fucked, aren't I?_

Then I noticed something. I wasn't running as fast as I should be. By now I was out of the castle and well into the woods but my steps were shorter, my speed was much slower. So, I stopped and tried to gather myself.

Fuck, fuck, fuckty fucky fuck fuck. I was in a child's body. Six, perhaps seven years old. Then memories started coming. My name, or the name of the body I was in, was Jon Snow. Turns out, I am the bastard of Lord Eddard Stark, who happened to be the husband of that red headed harpy.

Apparently bastards aren't treated well in this world and well, despite this Lord Eddard being a more than decent father to Jon Snow, the rest of the world and his wife in particular had been extremely united in telling him how much of a bastard he was. Never let him forget about the bastard- _iness_. And the father did nothing to protect him. Bloody wimp.

The last few months had been especially worse. Eddard Stark had rode off to battle some Greyjoy Lord and Catelyn Stark, the crazy bitch was at full swing. Long story short, Jon Snow, the bastard of Winterfell was having the time of his life – in a round about fashion. She was smart enough not to hurt him physically but mental abuse? Heck, mother (as in my mother, Walburga Black) could take lessons from her. In a way, Jon Snow was living in his own Druzkaban.

Catelyn had given birth to a daughter, Arya Stark just a month ago. Turns out, the infant had taken a shine upon Jon and well, the mother bitch did not like it one bit. So, Jon Snow, well, I suppose that would be me, was NOT eating enough, was getting yelled at. Had been working in the stables, wasn't allowed to play with Robb, my brother who also happened to be my best friend. Shitty life to say the least. Even Walburga wasn't this bad despite getting sorted into Gryfindor and proclaiming for the muggleborn (my reason for siding with muggleborn had more to do with the Marlyn Monroe poster then any idea of right and wrong. Those beautiful lips – oh yeah!).

However, now that Jon Snow had turned into Sirius Black, best watch out Catelyn Stark, Lord Black is here and he is NOT going to take this abuse. No ma'am. I am the Black of Blacks. " _I am Sirius Black, no body's bitch, YOU are mine_ " [AN: Guess where I stole this quote from?]

Well, lets figure out how to make the bitch pay, shall we? Father had left almost a year ago – year 289 AC, it was almost year 290. I heard the maester ( _what is wrong with these muggles? Maester? What kind of word is that? The proper way of saying is "MASTER". And the only way I like to hear that word is from a hot woman when we are doing some role-playing. BDSM can be very much fun with the right woman. I, of course, would never dream to boss around a woman unless it was during our pre-agreed sexual games or if she was a bitch like Bella-bitch!_ ) say the war was just about over. That meant Eddard Stark would be home soon. All I had to do was stay away from Winterfell until he came back.

Thing is, if I were to tell him about the abuse and everything straight out, he probably would not believe me or at least not act on it. But, if I were not there, he would have to investigate what the fuck happened. After he finds me, I would tell him my sob story at which point the ball would be in his court. He would at least have _casus belli_ to do something for me, like give me a proper last name. Actually, I was going to coerce him on that but it's the same thing, eh?

 **A month later, Winterfell – Eddard Stark POV**

Greyjoy rebellion had been put down decisively. The only reason it took that long was because we did not have enough ships to land troops in the islands. Once we fixed the ship situation, it was easy to put those pirates where they belonged: watery graves.

And now, I am finally back home. Battle made me feel alive, had my blood pumping but it did nothing to alleviate the feeling of _not being home_. Winterfell always had this effect on me that simply cannot be described. It is the Stark blood in me. My children, my wife – they are all in Winterfell and I am finally there.

We had the customary greeting. Little Arya was a bundle of joy. Sansa was already acting like a little lady. Catelyn was always a restrained beauty. Robb, my heir was growing into a fine lord. Then I realized, Jon was nowhere.

I looked around and asked, "Where is Jon? Where is my boy?"

Robb quickly answered, "I don't know father. I have been searching for him since the last moon but mother says he has left and is not coming back."

"Left? Left? What do you mean he has left? Catelyn where is Jon? Tell me right now", I wasn't just angry – I was furious. I leave to fight a war and my lady wife chases away Jon? I swore Lya I would protect her son and gods forbid if anything were to happen to him. A part of me always wanted to tell Catelyn about the truth of Jon Snow's origin but truly I could not trust her to keep it to herself. Jon was the trueborn son of Lyanna and Rhaegar. He should be the king of Westeros. But, I swore to Lya I would protect him and having the world think he was a bastard was the only way to keep him safe.

Apparently it was not. These people have driven him away. Was he lying somewhere in the snow, dead of cold and hunger? Killed by wild animal?

"Rodrik, I had left you as the castellan when I was away. What happened? How was my son misplaced?"

Rodrik, spoke in a slow voice that hid his fear well, "My Lord, about a moon ago, I saw him run away from the dining hall during breakfast. He seemed afraid and before I could say anything, the boy was gone. I checked with the guards and he had ran off towards the forest. He used to go there to play once in a while so I did not think much on it my lord."

"And why would he be afraid in his own damn home?"

"Begging your pardon my lord, he is the bastard of Winterfell. He just lives here, this is not his home. Lady Stark has told that enough and.."

"WHAT? The boy has blood of Starks and you dare say this is not his home? Stark or Snow, blood is blood. How did you even think of that Rodrik? No – don't think. I am sure I know how. You are going to take the black or gods help me I will take your head myself. As for my lady wife, she will be dealt with by myself."

My wife, my beautiful wife who as it turns out is nothing but a hateful shrew, yells, "My lord, surely..."

"Not another word woman. I will deal with you soon enough. First, I have to find my son. SmallJon Umber, organize the men. We are going to find my son. GreatJon, you are in charge of my castle. Interview the servants. The Maester, everyone. Find out what the hell happened."

Robb chirruped, "Father, Can I come with you? Jon is my brother too. Can I come please?"

I hesitated for a bit but SmallJon spoke up, "My Lord, best bring the boy. He knows your son better than us – seeing Robb might make your bastard feel easier to come out form wherever he is hiding."

"Hiding?", I asked.

"Well, the wolfs wood is pretty dense. If one were to hide, you won't be able to find them unless they want to you to find them. Like the castellan said, the boy was afraid and so, I suppose he might be hiding."

After that, our party took off towards Wolfs wood. Tracking Jon wasn't particularly hard – he had broken plenty of twigs and branches. Some of the smallfolks reported a small, wild boy running around and stealing food. Unfortunately, he seemed to have burrowed deep into the forest.

It was almost a week till we hit paydirt. We found a campsite, poorly built and by a child's hand at that. A half eaten rabbit was nearby. Well, the boy was industrious to say the least. As we started yelling his name, Robb ran off from our party towards a particularly dense bush.

For a heart beat, I thought my eldest son and heir had gone mad, but he yelled, "Jon, why did you run? I searched for you for so long!"Then the bush moved and a dirt covered figure emerged. A clever trick it turned out. The boy had hidden himself so well that only Robb noticed him.

Jon was all skin and bones. Despite that, his eyes were full of life, power and defiance. His belt had animal skins hanging from it. A closer look revealed he was wearing some kind of fur – possibly a wolf or a fox.

"Why are you here?", his tone was cold, harsh. Was that the dragon I heard in his voice? Or was it my own father?

"Son, I am here to take you home."

"Home? I am home!"

"Winterfell is your home Jon, not here. Not this forest", shouted Robb.

"Your brother is right Jon. Winterfell is home to all Starks"

"What home? Your woman calls me a bastard. Your servants call me a bastard. I work in the stables all day long. I don't get to eat enough. At least here I eat what I kill. Fuck you!"

SmallJon Umber, always the loyal bannerman tried to reprimand him, "Watch it bastard, it is your lord you are talking to."

"Fuck you too. I was talking to the man who calls himself my father but lets his woman beat me. Fuck you all", he spat.

SmallJon and everyone in our search party were taken aback at the way he spoke and the words he said. No one had ever dared to speak like that to me.

SmallJon approached him, intent to teach the boy a lesson in manners when Jon pulled out a stone knife. How on seven hell did he make himself a knife?

"Come on fatso, I am going to carve you up real good. Come to your death fatto", Jon mocked him while dropping into combat stance.

Robb was already cheering his brother, "Go for it Jon, carve him up! Whooo Whooo!"

Things were already getting out of hand so, I decided to do the alpha wolf routine and, "ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU, ENOUGH! UMBER, THAT IS MY SON. How my sons talk to me is my business and my business alone. If they need to be disciplined, I will do so, not my bannermen. And Jon, don't threaten my bannerman – especially one who is 10 times heavier then you."

Jon just replied darkly, "means he is 10 times slower then me. I can take him."

Umber on the other hand just laughed, "He is truly your son Lord Stark. Only a Stark could challenge me with a tiny little stone knife."

"Regardless, I need to talk with my son. Everyone please give us some space please."

Once we had our (myself and the two boys) privacy secured, I turned to Jon and said, "Jon, I swore to your mother that I would keep you safe. The safest place for you is Winterfell. No one will ever call you a bastard ever again."

"Sure, not in Winterfell, but what about outside? You won't be able to protect me from everyone", he questioned.

Robb, in his infinite wisdom shouted, "Make him Jon Stark. Jon Snow doesn't make sense anyway."

"It is not that simple Robb. The moment I make him Jon Stark, Your grandfather will throw a fit. And unfortunately, I need your grandfather to keep the North safe from the south. I need that blasted Tully happy to keep our people fed when winter comes."

Robb was still unrelenting, "Then make a new house for him. Some of the old Starks became Karstark. Maybe Jon can be JarStarks?"

"Possible, quiet possible", that was a possibility.

Jon, who had been quiet so far spoke, "If I were to have a new name, I wish to chose one myself."

"What name do you wish for Jon?"

"Black. I wish to be known as Sirius Black."

"Lord Black? Lord Sirius Black? Huh strong name. I will have to talk with Robert about it. We will work something out. Now, we are going home, all right?", I asked.

Jon smiled slowly, cautiously while Robb cheered and raced to his pony. "It will be good to see Arya again. I missed her", Jon spoke.

"Well then, let's hurry home, shall we?"

 **Sirius Black POV, Winterfell**

Hot damn, I did it. I changed my name from Jon Snow to Sirius Black. Well, not officially but it is in the works. The damn king is Ned's best friend and if they are anything like James and me, it won't be much of an issue.

Living in the wolfs wood for almost a month was perhaps the best time of my life. I practiced my magic – whatever part death had given me. I could cast flame freezing charm, impervious charm, strengthening charm and a few healing charm. I was able to cast my contraceptive spells but there effectiveness? Who knows. I would have to head to the whorehouse and do some testing – not that kind of testing. My body was 7 years old, so obviously I won't be able enjoy the finer points of life. I was going to use to contraceptive charm on all the whores and see whether there would be any pregnancies.

Hunting was fun too. I was able to cast a tiny bit of banishing spell so, couple that with some knives I made (sharpened rocks – flint), I hunted. Rabbits, foxes and so on. Good times.

If only I could turn into padfoot, I missed being able to turn in that giant grim like dog. The reaper had promised to provide me a Grim as a familiar but when?

Finally, the great Eddard Stark came to find his wayward bastard son. Me. Jon. Fucking. Snow. Initially, I was planning to play, "I am a scared, abused little shit" routine. But honestly, Sirius Black can't do scared. And well, I snarked. I threatened.

Regardless, I got what I wanted. Fuckin 'yeah.

While we were heading back to Winterfell, I did a bit of leglimency on Stark and discovered something interesting. I WAS NOT HIS SON. I was the son of his sister Lyanna and the crown prince Rhaegar Targaryen. And well, I would be the next king except for the fact that Robert would make mashed potato out of me if he ever found out.

Significant but utterly pointless for now. However, it did mean I might go for the throne at some point. Who knows what the future may turn out right? I mean if I were to take the throne, I would definitely reduce war and death, that would be less work for death – sort of factors into our agreement.

When we arrived in Winterfell, the atmosphere was rather tense. My previous leglimency scan had already enlightened me about what had happened, but still Catelyn "The Walburga" Stark being disciplined had me feeling rather good. Even then, a part of me wanted to fuck her. I mean that fiery red hair, sweet tits, well formed ass – the woman was made for fucking.

No wonder Neddy can't keep his hands off her. He already had 3 children with her – I bet he will put a bun in the oven within a month or two. Even if the two are feuding over good 'ol me, the man will find a way inside her skirts. She is that hot. Just so you all know, the first fuck I have in this world is going to be Catelyn Stark. Once puberty sets in, I am going to charm my way inside her cold heart and fuck her brains out.

Just like I predicted, the man did put a bun in the oven within a month of his arrival from the war. Apparently after he told her I was getting named as "Sirius Black", she decided I wasn't going to be a threat to her children. Stupid biddy – why would I be a threat to her kids? I mean sure the North is great and all, but I would rather aim for richer lands, warmer lands. Lands where no woman will have to wear thick fur. Land where woman can run around in bikini. That meant I would have to invent bikini but I could be industrious when I had to be. Bikinis and Thongs were going to be invented one way or the other.

On a smaller but equally important note, a number of servants, former servants are now heading to the wall. Mainly because they were party to keeping me broken and hungry and also because they tried to hide things from Neddy. BigJon Umber did quality work when it came to filtering shit out of Winterfell. SmallJon Umber would be serving as a temporary castellan until Ned could find a suitable replacement for Rodrik, the stupid, old bastard.

Finally, the best news of all. Theon Greyjoy, the hostage to keep iron island in check. The little squiddy bitch tried to bully me and well, my body might be seven year old but with magic at my tips, even a 7 year old can break bones. A single punch, laced with banishing charm had him down with broken nose. The resulting lecture was kind of worth it. Robb backed me up when I argued how the squiddy shit tried to call me a bastard. After that, father didn't make much of a fuss except for a stern, "Don't be too violent."

Ned had decided to legitimize me a year from hence, thus giving me almost 11 month to prepare. Prepare say you? I say make starved 4 foot tall 7 year old body into a respectable 5 foot 5" tall so that I could pass for a 14 year old. That way, I could start fucking around. With a bit of magic and a lot of eating, 11 month would be enough to squeeze 7 year of growth in a single year. And, why not? I already had an adult brain. I already had adult urges. By god, I wasn't going to waste any time on playing a little shit.

All the denizens of Winterfell were astonished at my sudden growth but it was chalked up to my happiness about upcoming legitimization. The maester agreed (with the help of some subtle suggestion planted via leglimency).

Soon, the three of us – myself, Robb and Father were headed to kings landing. Apparently, King Robert wanted to see me before confirming my new name and lordship. Well, Sirius Black had talked his way out of many sticky situation, a dumb shit medieval king should be no different.

AN: Sirius Black portrayed here is an an unhinged, a bit immoral and very much of a hedonistic bastard. Enough said. And now, addressing some reviews!

edBoy4926 – Bella won't be coming to Westeros. The shithole can't handle her.

Dericof Diname: _Centuar was a typo. Should have been Centaur_

Guest: Next time, leave a name. In our world, tricking someone into sex is definitely a rape. In the world of Sirius Black vs. his death eater cousin who wants to cut his heart out? It is a murky grey area. The morality will be up for debates and will continue to be addressed in later chapters. Like I said earlier, Sirius Black portrayed here is an unhinged, a bit immoral and very much of a hedonistic bastard. Roll with it.


	3. Queen's Landing

**Saying goodbyes (291 AC)**

It had been almost a year since I went through the veil, a year since I lived as Jon Snow, the formerly pathetic bastard of a pussy-whipped, but very honorable Lord Ned Stark. I missed my godson, I missed the crazy hippogryph Bucky, fuck I even missed my loser of a best friend Remus Lupin. But still, this new life was nothing to complain about.

Growing up as the Black heir had not been easy. Grandpa Arctrus wasn't all that bad, he demanded the very best and even when I screwed up, the punishments weren't all that bad. More magical training and fencing practice. But rest of the family? A bunch of tossers really. Unlike gramps, who was a hard-assed teacher at the worst, just about all of them were Voldemort worshiping, muggle hating, rat brained turds. Black house was a shit place to grow up.

The Stark family on the other-hand was overflowing with love, head-bitch-in-charge being the sole exception but again, she did not count all that much anymore. I ran around with Robb causing mischief. Within a year, I trained Robb, who happened to be my cousin but everyone thought of as my brother since Ned had to call me his bastard-son (war has a way of changing things), as a marauder. Even little Sansa, our cute 5 year old sister, despite the H-B-I-C and her religious sidekick, septa Mordane's attempt, was already following our footsteps.

We had taught Sansa well. In turn, she had taught little Arya, our 2 year old infant sister to blow raspberries and make faces towards the septa. Of course, the more " _heinous_ " pranks were done by yours truly with contributions from Robb, bitch Mordane being the primary target since she was one of the leading ladies in "torment the bastard" club.

Other then that, the whole year was spent eating, exercising and eating again. After all, how was I to have a good time in this new world if I were to take a whole 7 or 8 year to become a man? Back in Earth, it was a well established fact that magicals lived at least twice that of an average muggle. Witches and Wizards who take care of themselves, might live three times as much as a muggle. Magic made sure our body stayed in optimal shape, everyone knew that. But, only a few knew while magic kept us healthy, we could also actively direct it to enhance our body. Not an easy thing to do but not impossible either. We, as in the marauders were aware of it and we all did it to various level of success, even the traitorous rat Pettigrew.

James used it to boost his combat abilities – speed, stamina and of course, his looks. Poor Remus had to use his magic to combat damage caused by Werewolf transformation, else he would have been completely broken by the wolf. Pettigrew used it overcome his inherent learning disability. Poor bastard suffered from a bunch of neurological disorder – he had to use magic to ensure his brain functioned normally. Was that the reason why he fell to Voldemort? Riddle might have scared him bad enough to screw up his decision making ability. Does not matter really.

Lily on the other hand was something entirely different. James never gave me the details but I was certain the woman was flooded with magic, literally and figuratively. I knew she loved to eat fatty food and hated working out, but had the figure of a dancer. She always got straight O's and yet, she never bothered to study. She never wore bra's (Yes, yes, I am a pervert) but her 36 DDs always stood at attention, even after Harry was born and those mountains graduated to E's. She had broken Snivellius's nose but her knuckles remained perfect, no bruising whatsoever. The woman was perfect in every which way possible.

I am rambling, aren't I? Still, the point is, it is possible to flood your body with magic and do a lot of crazy stuff. The whole year, I flooded my body with magic and forced it to grow up quick. By the time we were ready to head to King's Landing, I looked like a 14 year old, a legal adult in this world.

Leaving Winterfell was exciting but not all that easy. Much to my envy, Uncle Ned and Catelyn, the red headed-hotness-personified, H-B-I-C kissed each other right in front of us. Both Robb and Sansa made some booing noise while the household guards pretended to look away. Everyone knew that Lord Stark loved his wife despite her being a bit crazy. Little Arya made some noise and sniffled a bit – the 2 year old did not know what was going on but I suppose she did have an idea.

Theon Greyjoy, the hostage and tub of shit on the other-hand, was very much overjoyed to see us gone. Between myself and Robb, he was the butt of all our pranks. What the idiot did not know was that Sansa had promised to fill the void left by us. Despite our many attempts, some of Catelyn's and Mordane's lesson did stick on her. Lessons on morality to be specific. Thus, Theon and his many crude jokes, tales of whoring and drinking had her convinced he was the root of all evil. Theon was going to have a hard time.

So, after a lengthy good bye, we were on our way to King's Landing.

 **Journey to Kings Landing**

It is said that the journey is just as, if not more remarkable than the destination. The trip to kings landing was no exception to this idea. Westeros might be a primitive world, but it did have a certain charm.

The biggest highlight of our trip was when we made a pit-stop in the Isle of faces, right next to Harrenhal. And guess what? Death made good on his promise.

See, the reaper had promised me a familiar as a compensation for taking away my animagus form.. He had promised to provide a Grim as my protector, my familiar. And he came through.

He came through in a truly glorious fashion.

Our party was pretty good sized, almost a hundred men from Winterfell (plus another 100 provided by Hoster Tully) – heavily armed at that. After all, the lord of North, his heir and another son was traveling through a land infested with bandits and cut-throats. Given that our guards were all good old-fashioned Northmen, visiting the Isle of faces, the only place in the south with more weir wood trees then anywhere in Westeros was a given.

Just about all of us Northerners rowed across the muddy lake and reached the Isle in order to pray to the Gods. Me? I wanted to just curse at 'em. Hiking through hundred's of miles of barely there road while eating dried meat and assorted shitty ration was not my idea of a good time. And, it was their fault that I had to go through all that crap just to get out of the bastard-iness.

Just after we were done with the prayers and were about to start the mid-day meal, it happened. A ear splitting demonic howl pierced the surrounding. Everyone, including the Green Men who were in charge of the Isle, looked around scared. I knew what that howl was but obviously, I wasn't going to say anything. Even Hagrid would have been scared of that demonic howl and these muggles were no exception.

Jorry Cassel, head of Father's guard fearfully looked around, "My Lord, we should head back. Something is not right. That howl, it feels deathly."

"Agreed. We should head back. I feel as if death is here. Men, start packing", ordered an ashen Lord Stark.

Before anyone could follow through the order, a giant grim raced from the tree line, leaping straight over the men and stopped right before me. "Sirius, stay still ! Don't move a muscle. It will sense your fear!", Ned spoke in a whisper.

The green men slowly backed away, "Death has arrived!"

Our guards slowly drew their weapons ready to attack despite knowing that nothing was going to hurt the beast.

Me on the other hand, stared right into the grim's eye. I always had a way with dogs, maybe it had to do with me being a dog myself literally and figuratively. Literally because of my animagus form, figuratively because as Lily often said, I rutted around just like a dog.

"Woof!", the grim gave an affectionate bark. Smiling like a loon, I said, "Look, it seems I have found the sigil for my new House. A grim for House Black. What do you say Padfoot?"

Everyone looked at my smiling face as if I had lost my marbles. One of the soldiers, a particularly brave one blurted out, "Boy, you must have lost your mind. That is a grim, stranger reborn. Death. And you are calling him Padfoot?"

"Grrrr..", the grim gave a threatening growl as if saying, "Question me, I dare you!"

Happily, I told him, "Yeah, sounds appropriate. Very appropriate."

No one had the balls to object. How could they? I had a grim by my side. Glowing eyes. Razor sharp tooths, the size of a man's finger. Body the size of a horse. Coat dark like a moonless night. Damn, it felt good being Sirius Black. If only I had the grim when I was fighting Voldemort. But again, Voldy might have simply incinerated the grim and me both. Scary bastard.

The trip back towards mainland was much subdued. Everyone was deathly afraid of my new familiar. Ned and Robb, not so much – they were apprehensive to be sure but not particularly afraid. The rest of the men, those from Riverrun in particular were beyond fearful. It was as if I was stranger reborn. At least no one was calling me a bastard anymore. Probably thought I might feed them to the grim.

Ned was the only one to ask the sensible question, "Will your do..(padfoot growled – he doesn't like being called dog) Padfoot behave when we are in capital? They are pricky bunch over there and I don't want the Lannisters calling for his head."

"I don't think anyone can take his head. Also, I can't really order Padfoot around – he does what he wants and it seems he has decided it is his job to protect me. So, we can't do much about it."

Ned gave a defeated sigh while Robb jumped with, "Jon, lets go and play with Padfoot. We can scare the men some more. We can scare the men who used to call you bastard. It will be fun."

Fun Indeed.

 **Kings Landing, Arrival**

The whole damn place was a shithole. If only I could cast a bubble-head charm. Unfortunately, that was not one of the abilities I was bestowed. Otherwise, I would have made plans to go treasure hunting. There must be plenty of sunken ships in this pirate infested world, right?

We made our way into the Red Keep in a hurry – never seen Ned walk like that. He was walking as if he had to take a shit 10 minutes ago and was about it soil himself. Robb and myself, we had a quiet laugh between us, until we saw the Red Keep. Forbidding doesn't even begin to describe it. Fearsome. Terrifying. Glorious. But it did not hold a candle to Black Manor or even Winterfell. First because it had no protective wards, second because it was just dead.

King Robert himself was there to greet us – more like greet his best friend but same difference right? The way those two went about greeting each other made me miss the marauders even more. Even that worm pettigrew. He wasn't all bad, before going completely traitor-y on us. I mean back during our 4th year, he helped me sneak those two way mirrors into girls locker room, their dorm and everywhere. A boy like that could not be completely bad, could he?

Instead of jumping into the main business which was giving me my bloody name back, Robert decided that it had been a long journey and as such, we needed to feast today and handle the official crap tomorrow.

And, what a feast it was. Real hot serving girls running all around. The king was grabbing them left and right, much to the disgust of the Queen, his own best friend (Ned) and the hand (who happened to be the foster father of both king and Ned).

Then, I did something that I really, really should not have done. I decided to make a play for the queen! Not my fault really, I mean the woman was simply beautiful and the fury that etched her face made her even more alluring. And those icy green eyes, so much like Lily's and yet so much different! I just had to.

Throwing caution to wind, I approached and spoke in a deep baritone (courtesy of magic – despite having the physique of a teen), "My Queen, can I interest you in a dance?". I did throw a bit of notice-me-not charm around us, no need for Robert to see me buttering up his woman.

I still did not know what the fuck I was planning but well, she was a beautiful woman, I was and still am THE Sirius black. Also, it seems to be an unwritten rule that all beautiful woman have to act snooty and she was no exception, "A bastard that wants to dance? Wants to dance with the queen? Isn't this a surprise."

Trying my best, I said, "Only for now my queen. Soon enough, I will be Lord Black. But, this is not about me. This is about you?"

Somewhat intrigued, she asked, "Oh? Why would this be about me?"

"Well, I am rather angry at the King for how he is behaving when he has the most beautiful woman in the whole world, right here."

"Aren't you brave. A brave little bastard. What will you do about it then? Will you challenge the king?"

Damn this teenage body, my face reddened a bit and I spoke as much dignity as I could muster, "Well, first I am a mature bastard thank you, who will be a very mature grown up lord tomorrow. Second, I am not powerful enough to challenge the king because like you said I am just a brave little bastard. Why if your brave kingslayer of a brother could not do that, what hopes do I have?"

Finally, she got angry and snarked, "Then what exactly are you, an 8 year old but looks like a 14 year old, going to do? Answer quick or I might just have you sent to the wall."

"I will dance with you. We will dance in such a manner that Robert will be green with envy. Maybe he will realize what he missed or maybe I might just get you to smile."

"I doubt Robert will care", she spoke without care, hiding what she truly felt about the situation. Anger. Pain.

"In that case, I will simply strive to make you smile. Will you let me do that my queen?"

She gave me a long stare, almost like that of Lily and heavens forbid, Professor McGonagall. "All right, I will let you try bastard. And if you fail, I am sending you to the wall."

"Well then, I suppose I should not fail". Growing up in the Black family meant I had learned every kind of dancing, tango included. Music too. I could play the piano, guitar and the harp.

Cersei was an accomplished dancer and while tango was an unknown art in this world, she quickly caught up to my rhythm. Just so you know, tango is a pantie peeler. My magic had already strengthened my body – muscles and bones alike, so I was able to swing her around with ease. End result, I got her to smile.

The fact that I had my chin buried right on her neckline, just above her glorious tits went unsaid. After all in her 3 inch heels and given my 5 foot 5" height, she stood almost half-a-foot taller then me. The more I breathed on her sweet, enticing breast while staring right into her eyes, hotter we both got.

And given the notice me not charm I had running, no one knew I made a move on the queen. The rest as they say is history. I sweet talked my way into her bed that very night.

Given my very adult demeanor, the slick tango and 5 foot 5" height, she did not particularly care about my age. You might object that an eight year old body should not be able to even think about sex but I got magic. My body was that of a 14 year old, which incidently happens to be a grown up man here in this medival world. However, most importantly, I am Sirius **FUCKIN** Black. I just pushed a bit of magic around and the next thing I knew (well, Cersei knew) was the so called bastard of Ned Stark was performing like a star. A bit of magic and my sexual prowess was the same as Sirius Black in his prime. Three cheers for me!

One thing you should know about contraceptive charms: it is absurdly easy to screw up and subvert their true purpose. If you aren't careful, you can easily turn it into a fertility charm. That night as Cersei and I were having the fuck of our life, we were both rather hammered. So, my contraceptive charm, ended up becoming a fertility charm. Lets see her explain the child to Robert. Well, she might not have to. I mean, Robert's got black hair. I have black hair. Only the eyes might be a problem – hopefully the kid gets green eyes like Cersei instead of grey eyes like me or else, the woman is fucked!

Here is the thing right, little Harry had green eyes while Jamsie had black eye and Lily had green eye. So, according to genetics, green eye is dominant over black eyes right? Lily had tried to explain genetics but it went over my head. I miss her a lot.

The next morning, I did the walk of shame rather early – no need to let anyone know where I stayed the night, right? Cersei did give me a long kiss and a promise that she would see my legitimization go through. Well, a wise man did say, "A good fuck does give good result".

 **Ned Stark POV**

The feast was painful to say the least. Robert was still boisterous but already on his way to turning into a fat son of a bitch. Flagarant waste of gold on wine and women was truly alarming. I hated the whole thing. My men were awkwardly trying to mingle with the crowd with limited success but they they were trying.

Robb seemed to be talking with heir of Highgarden, Wilas Tyrell. Tyrell was a good lad and Robb might learn something from him. But, to my surprise, Jon or as he was calling himself, Sirius was no where to be found. The guard assigned to him told me that Jon said he was going to sleep early, something about a big day. Understandable – the lad will have to face the king and a hell lot of nobles, daunting task for any man.

Then, once the feast was done for I found the boy never came to the guest tower as he was supposed to. His beast was still there and it wasn't looking particularly concerned. Just as I was about to raise the alarm, the damn beast gave me the look. A look that said, "Don't".

I just knew the boy was fine or else the grim would have done something about it. As much as I was relived about my son having an intelligent protector, the grim scared me. An omen of death protecting a Stark? Then I had to remind myself that Jon is not just a Stark, he is also a Targaryen. Magic sings in his veins. Ice and Fire.

Red Keep, King Roberts Throne Room, Neutral POV

The court was in full session. The king was there. The queen was there. The hand of the king, Jon Arryn was there. The whole small council was there. Lords and Lordlings from around the seven kingdom, who dwelled in Kings Landing just to increase their political standing were there. In short, everyone was there except God himself. Actually, the self-proclaimed agent of seven gods, the High Septon was there too, so perhaps God himself was there in a fashion.

The herald gave a mighty yell, "We call the 10th session of year 291AC, of King Robert the first of his name. Rise for the King and Queen."

After everyone gave a deep bow the monarchs, the kings hand started the session, "The first order of business is the legitimization of Lord Eddard Stark's base born son, Jon Snow."

Everyone mumbled at the surprising declaration. Robert then spoke, "Lord Stark, Jon Snow, step forward and address the court."

Lord Stark stepped forward and started in his full lordly voice, "My son Jon, he is a proper Stark. A wolf. Even the gods have chosen to honor him by sending the grim as his protector." A giant grim jumped at that in front of everyone as if daring to challenge that statement. Ned continued, "As such, I wish to legitimize him. He has chosen a name for himself."

Robert then asked, "Well boy, no one can deny the grim. Fierce creature he is. Look, all the craven here are shaking. Speak your piece boy. What do you wish for?"

"You Grace, I have decided to take the name Sirius Arctus Black, the first of his name."

"Black? You want to be known as Lord Black? Why Black boy?"

"Well, before this I thought my eventual fate would be to join the Nights watch. Their color is black. Their home is Castle Black. So, it seems fitting that my new name be Black. Black as in Black vengeance. Black as in Black night. Black Family."

"Well said boy. With that damn grim, Black seems to suit you. Let it be known that Jon Snow is from now on known forever as Lord Sirius Arctus Black."

Cersei, who had spent the night with Sirius – the most memorable night for both of them, spoke up, "My King, shouldn't Lord Black have a castle to call his own? Something that reflects his name?"

"Aye – the woman is right boy. Any thoughts on it Lord Black? Ned?"

Newly minted Lord Black shook his head, flying his shaggy, dog like hair all around and said, "No, your grace. I never thought so far."

Ned, however had an answer, "Well, he has to do some growing up. But, I am leaning towards one of the older castles near Winterfell."

Cersei, intent on irritating all the Starks and especially Jon Arryn, made a disappointed face, "Pity Lord Stark, someone with such a noble name should have a castle fitting his proper station."

Robert who usually tended to disagree with his wife, couldn't help but agree. Probably something to do with how the Grim was agreeing with his wife. "The queen is correct. The name Black, it reminds me of something. I cannot remember what that is – Pycelle what is it?" The last part was said with a roar.

Pycelle, always a toady, quickly responded, "It was a title your grace, Harren-the-black. He chose to burn rather then bow to the dragons."

"Exactly. A good man Harren-the-Black. Say, Lord Black, will you ever bow to the dragons?"

"Never your grace. They killed my grandfather. My uncle. My aunt. I would never bow before them", _why should I? After all I am the head of dragon family or whatever remains of it._ Sirius sniggered to himself, internally.

Arryn, who already had a pretty good idea on what was going through Robert's mind got an aghast expression, "Robert you can't be thinking what I think you are thinking."

Cersei, always ready to get one over Arryn, smirked, "And what is that Lord Hand?"

Eddard, somewhat clueless, "I do not understand my king?"

Robert gave a booming laughter and said, "I am hereby declaring Lord Sirius Black to be the Lord of Harrenhal and all it's land in perpetuity. Long shall you rule."

Grinning, Sirius replied, "Thank you your grace, I shall not disappoint you." The grim standing by his side gave a long joyous howl as if celebrating its master's rise.

Arryn furiously whispered, "Robert – we could have used the place as a reward to some deserving lord, not for some bastard.."

Ned, strengthened his grip on the pommel of Ice and gritted, "Jon, are you telling me my son is unworthy? Is that it?"

Jon Arryn, who happened to be Ned Stark's foster father quickly backtracked, "Of course not Ned. Please – raising a bastard is just not done. What you are doing is..."

"Fuck what is done or not done old man. Do not call my son a bastard again or maybe that grim will eat you. May be the stranger will come for you. Don't you know the grim is stranger's companion?", Ned Stark had his battle face on.

Robert, who was supposed to be unruly one, "Now, now, I am sure Jon did not mean to insult you Ned. And Jon, Sirius Black is a Lord of Realm. You cannot go on insulting him."

"Still Robert, What will Hoster Tully say? You can't just give away his lands.."

"You forget Jon, I am the king. Just because I chose to let you rule does not mean the lords can do whatever they wish. Also, House Black and it's land shall answer to the crown and only to the crown. As such, Tully has no say in this matter."

Jon Arryn finally relented, "As you wish Ned, Robert. We should continue this discussion in private. For now let us finish the court."

Unfortunately for the three, both Sirius and Cersei barged into their private discussion. Ned's attempt to shoo Sirius was countered with, "I am the subject of this discussion, I should be here."

Cersei on the other hand insisted that as the queen, she had a right to be there. Robert, not wanting to raise the issue, especially since Cersei hadn't been making much trouble since the last day or two, relented.

Arryn started with, "Robert, do you realize what you have done? You will have trouble in Riverlands. Tully will see the elevation of Jon Snow as a lord to be an insult against his daughter's honor. The rest of Riverlords will not like a former bastard amongst them."

Robert as usual gave a one line answer, "Fuck the fishes!"

Ned Stark on the other hand was a bit diplomatic, "Catelyn is happy with the situation. With Jon named as Sirius Black, he is removed from succession line of Winterfell. She was afraid he might usurp Robb and now, that is not an issue."

And Cersei laughed, "As for the Riverlords, they are always bickering about this or that. If they try to fight Sirius, have forces from Crownlands or Westerland march on them. Easy."

Robert perked up with, "I get to kill some vermin, eh?"

Cersei happily continued, "Of course husband. There is that. Also, Harrenhal can raise enough men that no single Riverlord can challenge Sirius."

Arryn pointed out the problem, "My queen, there is another problem. Lord Black is seven years old. He won't be able to lead for many years to come."

"So? My father can serve as his regent. He can build the castle the way it should be", Cersei smirked. Tywin would be pleased to have Harrenhal under his control. If he were to be Sirius's regent, the boy would have to fostered with him. That meant, Black would be inclined to support Lannisters.

Robert bellowed, "WHAT? Unacceptable. I will not have your father anywhere around my friend's children. Ned will be the regent."

"Sirius will be staying in Winterfell, so that is not an issue. But, someone will have to be Harrenhall's castellan. Someone who can be trusted to look after Sirus's best interest", Ned replied. The implication that Tywin Lannister would not look for Black's interest was painfully clear, much to the chagrin of the queen.

Sirius, not to be left behind spoke up, "Why not have uncle Benjen serve as the castellan?"

Ned gave a horrified look, "Son, did you forget your uncle is a man of the night's watch?"

Grinning happily, Sirius spoke, "Well, you have been saying how the Night's watch is lacking men and all that. With one of their own man out in the seven kingdom, they can get more publicity. It will give them a place to station their recruiters and so on. A part of Harerenhall's income can go to the watch as a payment for his services. It will work out for both myself and the watch. Don't you see?"

Robert gave a sigh and said, "I hate to agree but the boy is right. I will write a decree ordering Benjen Stark to head towards Harrenhal. In fact, we can even have some of the Night's watch moved to Harrenhal. Something like a good behavior reward thing. Watch men who do good can serve in Harrenhal for a few month – like a reward. It might serve as a morale booster."

Cersei also agreed. "Incentive for men to behave well. You do complain of men running from watch all the time, don't you Lord Stark? This way, the men from watch get something to look forward to and maybe they will stop deserting all the time.."

Ned looked around and spoke, "Agreed".

Arryn gave a defeated, "Agreed".

Sirius gleefully shouted, "Agreed". Slyly, he winked at the queen. Their tryst unknown to everyone.

 **Sirius Black POV**

Things went well and above my expectations – I had my lordship, I had a bloody big castle to call my own even if it was in a rather shitty shape and I had most likely gotten the queen preggers! Damn, life is good.

Robert insisted that we stay in the Kings Landing for at least a month more, his argument being that if we were to delay for a month or so, it would give the team from Castle Black enough time to head out and wait for us in Harrenhal. The plan was rather sound much to the dismay of Ned and most of the Northern party. Robb and myself on the other hand, were plenty happy with staying in Kings Landing, each of us having entirely different reason. Me? I had a whole month to fuck my queen bitch, Cersei. Robb on the other hand had apparently made friends with a blacksmith's apprentice called Gendry Waters, who suspiciously happened to look like King Robert.

Cersei was happy too. I suppose having a man who knows what to do with her beautiful body had her feel pretty good.

And, finally it happened. Cersei figured out she had gotten knocked up. During our last week of stay, she angrily proclaimed to me, "I am bloody pregnant you bloody bastard!".

Instead of reacting with fear or freaking out as any other man would do when faced with an angry "I am gonna rip you into a thousand pieces" queen, I just wrapped my hands around her and said, "That is wonderful news my queen. I am assuming it is mine?"

"Of course it is yours idiot. I never let Robert finish off inside me. You are the only one who has finished off in me lately."

"Eh? I am the only one lately? Does that mean there is some one else? Who is this dastardly person that I should slay?", a bit of Shakesperian word play never hurts right?

WRONG. Like a jungle cat, she leapt towards me and slapped – no more like scratched my cheeks off. "Who I fuck or don't fuck is my business. Understood bastard?"

Its not like I was married to her or loved her anyway, so I fired back, "Of course my green eyed beauty. _Poor replica of Lily anyway._ Of course. The question is you being pregnant with my child."

"Exactly. I was taking moon tea and still got pregnant. How will I explain this to Robert?"

"What is there to explain?"

"Like what happens if the child looks like you? Robert will know and then my head will be on chopping block. And, your uncle's head will be on chopping block. No one is going to believe you, a 7 year old bastard fucked me. Not that you behave or look like a 7 year old – You act like a mix of my father and King Ares most of the time. Look like a grown up dwarf or a short knight."

"Well beautiful, I suppose I am the incarnation of a sex god who happens to reside in a 7, going 14 body. What do you think?"

Red faced, tight fisted, she mumbled, "Maybe.. still the point stands. What am I to do if the child looks too much like you?"

"Give birth in Casterly Rocks. And if the infant looks like me, tell Robert it was a still born and have it sent to Harrenhal. I can have it raised as some small folks child, with a proper name."

"And if it doesn't look like you?"

"Well, our son will make a mighty fine prince or princess, don't you think?"

"Mighty fine indeed", she smiled and started kissing me.

One of the side effect, something I just recently realized, of me constantly using magic to reinforce my body and fucking Cersei had accelerated my growth even more. It wasn't completely obvious but instead of 5 foot 4, I was almost 5'8". A lanky teenager. Internally however, my body was closer to that of a 21 year old, meaning I jumped through puberty, my bones were like that of an adult, strong muscles and so forth. That oughta give me an nice edge when fighting. Fucking is good for your health I always say. Hopefully my godson is learning the same lesson. Fucking 'n Fighting, Fighting 'n Fucking – no better life there is.

The very next day, Cersei announced her pregnancy to the court and somehow persuaded the King that she should go to Casterly Rock to give birth. Apparently, Tywin had more or less demanded one of Cersei's son to be his heir and Robert had no choice but oblige.

So, long story short, we would be leaving for Harrenhal in a few weeks, Cersei would be leaving for Casterly Rocks in a month or two and in about 9 months, I was going to be a proud father even if no one other then Cersei would know about it. Should I start making plans to remove Joeffery from the scene now? He was a spoiled 5 year old and was surely going to grow up into a miniature death eater wannabe. Killing him was obviously a no-no (remember how death said I was to reduce his workload, not increase it?), perhaps he should be turned into a septon? Decisions, decisions. Time and tide wait for no man.

* * *

 **AN:** According to cannon, Joeffery is born 286 AC. Tommen is born 291 AC. Obviously, given Sirius is a randy bastard and Cersei is Cersei, instead of Tommen we are going to have something entirely new.

If anyone has an issue with me using "years" and "birthday" instead of "namedays", stuff yourself. Same with "month" and "moon".


End file.
